Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
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I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.