“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
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Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.