Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
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“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
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When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.