Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
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I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.