*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
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Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Perfect
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.