Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
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My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Here’s a meme
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*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
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Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”