*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
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*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Monday
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
I saw nothing
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”