Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
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[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
no one ever comes back
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My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
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When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Barbie gone wild
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
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