Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
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I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….