paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
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Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.