Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
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I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
concern
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Proctology is located in A55
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.