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she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
