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Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office