Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
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Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad