One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
You Might Also Like
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before