Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
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ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
the Monday after daylight savings
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Aight bet
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
*Seductively hides in the woods
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.