year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
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Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO