Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
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Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Leaving the Barbers like
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.