due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
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Thinking about Jeff
I only look at Wordle for the articles
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.