My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
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Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
j o i m p
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
This is painfully accurate 😅
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
These are my roll models.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.