Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
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no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
so much to do
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Pretty much. 🤣
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay