so much to do
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i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Doctors texting each other.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!