Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: To the window; to the wall.

Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

What is going on? 😅

My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

[robbing a bank]
other robber: where’s your fucking balaclava?

me: *eating baclava* I think I’ve made a delicious mistake

Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*

Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

They also CAN sing✌️

How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

Husband of the year 😂

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want

Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

I love the honesty

Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.