me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
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“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.