me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage![]()
You Might Also Like
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
![]()
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
![]()
![]()
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
![]()
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.