My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
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Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t