[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
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[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???