My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
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Best misinterpreted text ever!
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus