Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
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Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
notice
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.