too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
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There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
wishing you and yours all the best
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.