half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
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I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Come over for dinner. I鈥檓 making a big deal out of nothing.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don鈥檛 take it out of my mouth
Human: what
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Monica just destroyed the internet
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
It鈥檒l be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.