If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
You Might Also Like
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Just me?
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.