Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
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Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.