It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
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Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?