This anagram machine is out of order.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
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In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
bout dat hot dog summer
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something