Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
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The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.