60% of Americans? That鈥檚 almost half. 馃檪
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Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
I鈥檓 going to quit the strongman competition I鈥檓 in. I put in my too weak notice
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
Don鈥檛 cry because it鈥檚 over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
馃幎If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 馃幎
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I鈥檓 so hungry I鈥檇 eat a vegan.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I鈥檓 just opening a bedside string cheese.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I鈥檓 Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I鈥檓 the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases