If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
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[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me: