I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
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My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.