I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
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GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
This is what makes twitter great
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars