@canadasandra

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

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@LaceyNycole

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

@StinkyGr33n

My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.

He’s not amused.

@HooeyDr

My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”

@dave_cactus

I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

@glenna_opt

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

@maxverygoodboy

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

@dave_cactus

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

@jillboard

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

@dave_cactus

DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!