For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
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[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
become ungovernable
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Forever 21… pounds overweight
#winning
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
This is amazing.