i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
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People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
prepare for carbonated trouble
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on