Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
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Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY