What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
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THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Great game to play with friends
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.