the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
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Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!