Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
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Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Very good news from my accountant
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa