I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
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why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Schrödinger’s cookie
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.