The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
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The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*