Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
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Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
is this how new cars are made??
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow