I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
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Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
it’s finally my moment to shine
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.