Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
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how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.