Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
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Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he鈥檚 in the ICU
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that鈥檚 just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Lmao
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don鈥檛 want to know what I鈥檓 doing to my body
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
Him: Your test came back, and it鈥檚 negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You鈥檙e failing this class.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.