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Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
All set.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
the council will decide your fate
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea