Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
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A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
2022: I can fix it
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.