There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
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I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
In case you needed to hear it:
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish